Clinton Jokes

"All week, Hillary Clinton has been saying that she has no intention of running for president. See, this is kind of like her version of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' "
-- Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out."
-- Jay Leno

"Hillary said that after Bill admitted the affair with Monica he would spend time alone with Buddy, the dog. He would spend all his time with Buddy the dog. At least that's how he told her he got those scratches on his back."
-- Jay Leno

"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other."
-- Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.' "
 -- Craig Kilborn

"Bob Dole and Bill Clinton did a point/counterpoint segment on '60 Minutes' and both of them brought their own sponsors. Bob Dole of course had Viagra and Clinton had Dupont Stain Master Carpets."
-- Jay Leno

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote

To which preacher did Bill go for advice?
Oral Roberts

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." 
-- David Letterman

"Celebrity birthdays, today Monica Lewinsky is 28. It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office."
-- David Letterman

"No move ever goes smoothly.  Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room."
-- David Letterman

"Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark."
-- Craig Kilborn

What is Bill Clinton's favorite federal program?
Head Start

Top Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans:

9. Because no Clinton has ever disgraced the office of Senator
8. I'll try not to misplace or shred important legislation
7. If you slept with my husband, the least you can do is vote for me
6. I've loved every one of the 17 days I've spent here in New York
5. Of the two insane, power-hungry candidates, I'm better at pretending to be nice
4. Vote for me or I'll have Bill poison your water supply
3. Never indicted ... knock on wood!
2. I can run New York.  Heck, I ran the whole country
1. Wait'll you see the scandals I'm planning! 

Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the white boy skate
8. If the bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she's not spread eagle, it's not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but that's his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill's not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
1. If sex is just oral, it's not immoral

Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To meet the chick

Why did Clinton bomb Iraq?
After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees

What do you call Monica Lewinsky with a runny nose?
Full

Why don't you want Monica Lewinsky and Tonto borrowing your car?
You'll wind up with a blown Injun

Hillary asks Chelsea, "Have you had sex yet?"
"Not according to Dad."

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
He was the president after Bush

What goes slurp, slurp, gulp?
Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
"Don't hit your head on the desk."

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinsky affair.
She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky?
One can't come clean and the other can't clean come

What do you call an eight-day blow job?
Hanukkah Lewinsky.

What do Snap, Crackle and Pop have in common with Monica Lewinsky?
They all talk after being hit with a white liquid

What's the difference between the White House and a whore house?
You have to pay for sex in a whore house

What did Monica Lewinsky find in her purse?
A wad of Bill's

Why doesn't Clinton play his saxophone anymore?
He plays with his whore Monica

Why is Clinton so interested in the events of the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar

What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound

Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
He thought she would be good at making things up

How is Bill Clinton like a computer?
He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory

Did you hear what happened to Monica Lewinsky this morning?
She coughed up some new evidence

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling by car together in the Midwest when a tornado comes along, whirls them up into the air and tosses miles away to the Land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard.
Newt Gingrich steps forward first and says, "I would like to have a heart."
Dan Quayle says, "I would like to have a brain."
And Bill Clinton says, "I'm here for Dorothy!"

The White House scandal wasn’t really Bill's fault.
It was just something he got sucked into

The Clinton family goes to a baseball game. After they settle into their seats, Bill picks up Hillary and tosses her onto the field.
His chief of staff shouts, "I said throw out the first PITCH!!!"

Bill is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. Passing her he says, "20 bucks." "No way," she answers.
The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the same hooker on the street she says: "See what you get for 20 bucks?"

There is a study indicating that teens nowadays find condoms easy to obtain. 20% get condoms at family planning clinics. 30% get them at school. The remaining 50% said President Clinton brings his own.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Why are Clinton's eyes always red and puffy?
Mace

A recent poll asked 2000 women if they would have sex with Bill Clinton.
94% replied, "Never again."

How are Monica and the Packers alike?
They both blew the big one

What did Bill Clinton do when the abortion bill hit his desk?
Paid it

Why did Clinton decide to go to Africa?
He got the idea thumbing through some of his old National Geographics

What did Clinton say when asked about the situation with Rwanda?
He denied ever having met her

What is the difference between a friend of Bill Clinton and a five-pack-a-day smoker?
The smoker will live longer

How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy?
He just keeps plugging away

How does the White House know that the latest scandal will blow over soon?
The President unzipped his pants and didn't see his shadow

Why is Monica Lewinsky like Bob Dole?
They were both upset when Bill Clinton finished first

How do you satisfy Clinton's sexual appetite?
It takes a village

Why does Clinton wear pants?
To keep his ankles warm

The Clintons ordered a new parrot, which was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, this parrot used to live in a whorehouse.
When Hillary walked through the door, the Parrot squawked, "Too old! Too old!"
Then Chelsea walked in and the parrot said, "Too young! Too young!"
Then Bill walked in and the parrot said, "Hi Bill."