Computer Jokes


The government is closing in on Bill Gates in the Microsoft antitrust trial.  If Gates has to do time, he may get a taste of his own medicine when Big Louie in Cellblock 3 tries to forcibly install his "Inmate Explorer."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing debate about who managed to get the most use out of his computer.  This had been going on for days, and God finally had enough of it.  So He set up a test: whoever could be the most productive after two hours on the computer would be the winner. 
So down they sat at the keyboards and began typing.  They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.  They sent faxes.  They sent out e-mail.  They sent out e-mail with attachments.  They downloaded.  They uploaded.  They made cards. They did every known job and several unknowns.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the rains came down hard.  Of course, the electricity went off.
Satan was furious.  When the electricity came back on he screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off!  What am I going to do?"
Jesus, however, just sat and smiled.  He turned his computer back on.  The screen glowed, and when he pushed "Print", all his files were still there, printing out. 
"How did you do it?" Satan asked. 
"Jesus saves."

Useful Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
VRML: Very Ridiculous Marketing Language
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment No one but their creator understands their logic
They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention The message "Bad command or filename" is as about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you."
They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and never think of it on their own. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
After they've invested so much in an old model, some users feel compelled to remain with an obsolete system As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a connection Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference

Haiku Error Messages

Windows NT crashed
I am the blue screen of death
No one hears your screams

The web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Errors have occurred
We won't tell you where or why
Lazy programmers

Chaos reigns within
Reflect, repent, and reboot
Order shall return

Login incorrect
Only perfect spellers may
Enter this system

A file that big?
It might be very useful
But now it is gone

Out of memory
We wish to hold the whole sky
But we never will

Serious error
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on
This page is not here

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says, "My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough."
The third woman says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

10 Can't stick your head out of Windows '95
9 Fetch command not available on all platforms
8 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit
7 Can't help attacking the screen upon hearing "You've Got Mail"
6 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway you're browsing instead of working
5 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software
4 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging
3 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
2 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
1 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just redefine darkness as the industry standard

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your word processor?
There's White-Out all over the screen.

Funny Unix C-shell Commands

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Dan Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.

If Microsoft Were Based Out of Alabama

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Occasionally you'd bring up a window covered with a Hefty bag
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
Excel spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
Instead of computer golf, the games of choice would be:
a. Interactive WWF Rasslin'
b. Beer bottle toss at road signs
c. Mud boggin'
d. Tobacca spittin' at insects
Instead of 'Virus Scan' it would be 'Lice Rinse'
Not config.sys and autoexec.bat, but `conjugate w/sis` and autoparts.bunch
Instead of error tones misstruck keys would be met with sound of `Aww Sheeit`
New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"

Did God really create the world in seven days?
He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

How come the Age of Miracles ended?
That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase.

Why does God allow evil to happen?
God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revisions

If _____ made toasters

If IBM made toasters, they would make just one. People would submit bread for overnight toasting. IBM would project an eventual worldwide market of five to six of these big blue toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters, you would have to buy a toaster every time you bought a loaf of bread. The new TOASTER '95 would be overpriced, take up 95% of your kitchen space, and falsely claim to be the very first toaster to let you control the darkness of your toast.
Everyone would hate MICROSOFT toasters, but would buy them anyway because most of the good bread will only work with their TOASTER '95. Additionally, once you have a TOASTER '95 it's nearly impossible to get rid of it.

If Radio Shack made toasters, their sales associates would try to sell you the entire store-full, but would be able to tell you nothing about any of them -- and would get angry if you asked. You could also buy the toaster in individually bagged pieces for home assembly.

If Microsoft Built Cars

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die on the highway for no reason. Accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause the car to stop and fail to restart. You'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car 95" or "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" light.
People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and auto fluids.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Microsoft wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The engine would be a side-valve design so you could still use Model T Ford parts on it.
Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.
Microsoft would do well, because even though they don't own any roads, all road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars for free!
If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, you could borrow your friend's and copy it.
Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition a few days until it worked.
You would need an upgrade to run cars on a highway next to each other.