Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

It's always darkest just before dawn.  So if you're going to steal the neighbor's  newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry.  Because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life?

Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

It's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw to try to build something.  Anybody can do that.  But what's hard to do is taking a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

I thought a good way to get people to dig your flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

I can still remember Uncle Rick sitting in that chair of his, listening to opera. He'd have this weird expression on his face. Then when he finally got untied from the chair, he'd try to catch us. Man, he hated opera.

There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. We didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.

When you're a 10 year old kid walking to school and a car drives by through a puddle and splashes you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school that way or go home and change and be late for school. So while he was deciding, I drove by and splashed him again.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment?" I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

If dogs ever take over the world and choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

 

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