You need a sound card to hear this

Why do men want to marry virgins? 
They can't stand criticism

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
Breasts don't have eyes

Why is air a lot like sex? 
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? 
Doughnuts

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? 
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 

What is a Yankee? 
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? 
The position of the dirt bag

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? 
Juan on Juan

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud

What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike

What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together!"

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats

How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA

Confucius Says...

"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common? 
They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly

What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.? 
Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died

Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight? 
He figured he would wash up on shore

Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up? 
He was a complete wreck

What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common? 
Both go down easily

What's the new Kennedy documentary called? 
Three Funerals and A Wedding

Kyle & Stan of South Park: 
"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!" 

What did JFK Jr. say when he reached the pearly gates? 
I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam

What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?
"Hole is gonna be really big!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
They need a map

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?
He elected to receive

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both look out their windows and see rubble

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force

Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador

What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door

What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them

What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin

Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?
The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice

Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?
She's going to become a Shaker

What's the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer

What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford

What were Princess Di's last words?
"Is that all this cars got?"

What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?
They both had a hit with the wall

Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
Because he's the only queen who gives a ----

What would you call Di if she married Fayed?
Princess Di-ed

Why doesn't Di like the French Press?
They drive her up the wall

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
The day his hand caught on fire

What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type

What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

Why are hurricanes named after women?
They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave

What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
People would cry if the stock market crashed

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers

Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
Bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin." 

What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
"Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!

What did the man with five penises say?
"These pants fit like a glove"

What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"
Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube

What's brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard

How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He's the one with sesame seed buns

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife did

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied all year for the bra exam

What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
One was a salted

What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the clone

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log

Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."

What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries

What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
Yell "Bingo!"