Religious Jokes

 

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.  She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson.  I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.  She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo!" 

A Muslim optimist looks on the Sunni side of life. 
A Muslim pessimist says, "Aw, Shi'ite!"

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CULTIST
1. He formed his own secret group of 12 followers
2. He claimed he had special connection to God
3. On the third day after his death he went up to the spaceship

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IN ADVERTISING
1. He found himself regularly praying for mercy
2. He liked to make big speeches at supper
3. He was adamant that even the most whopping sins can be forgiven

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A RASTAFARIAN
1. He was from Babylon
2. He wore dread locks
3. His picture is on the zig-zag package

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. 
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. 
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" 
"Yes it is," the man replies. 
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. 
"No thanks," the man replies. 
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. 
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in. 
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. 
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price. 
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. 
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. 
"Yes it is," replies the man. 
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. 
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. 
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed. 
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." 
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. 
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. 
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. 
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. 
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" 
"Don't you start that crap in here," says the priest.

A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.
The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign country, one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked that it was quite a unit. He then asked, "How much did you pay for it?" 
"Ten thousand dollars." 
"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!" 

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth.
As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed out that Jesus had left the door open.
"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"

With his life was ruined, his family killed, and his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?"
The thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

"Isn't it crazy with all these church scandals?  I'm beginning to understand how all those Bibles ended up in hotel rooms." 
óJay Leno

After God created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely.  God said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great!  How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
Adam replied, "What can I get for a rib?"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?
He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog

What was the last thing Christ said?
"Peter, I can see your house from here!"

Did you hear that being savior wasn't Jesus' first career choice?
He wanted to be a lawyer, but got nailed on his boards

Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through his hands

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the counter and says, "Put me up for the night!"

Why were most of Jesus' apostles fishermen and NOT cabinet makers?
Because then Jesus would have had to say, "Drop your drawers and follow me"

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic

Why don't Baptists make love standing up? 
Because it might lead to dancing

What did the Zen Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite

What happened to the guy who couldn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed

What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
Shiite on a shingle

What happened after the Indians' prom?
It rained for months

An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters."
The Priest replied (as he mopped sweat from his brow): "How long has it been since you've been to confession?" The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this?"
Old man: "Hey, I'm telling everybody."

Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said, "The person amongst this crowd who has no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled, "Come on, Jesus! You always want to go first!"

Honk If You Love Jesus

A young man received the following letter from his mother last week. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

Dear Son,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk is you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teen age grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.. why, even he was enjoying the religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attend. This is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning and drove on through that intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Confession

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Kissing Hank's Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door.  When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.  The man spoke first.
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave.  Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank.  No one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl

  1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town
  2. Use alcohol in moderation
  3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you
  4. Eat right
  5. Hank dictated this list himself
  6. The moon is made of green cheese
  7. Everything Hank says is right
  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom
  9. Don't use alcohol
  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments
  11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.  As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments.  It's Hank's way.  Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener.  A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

A Really Bummer Day

It was getting overcrowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. Starting at 12:00 the next day, in order to get into Heaven you had to have a really bummer day on the day you died. 12:01 the next day, a man came to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked him how the day was going when he died.
"I came home to my 25th floor apartment for lunch. My wife was in bed naked and some guy's clothes were spread all over the place. I searched the entire apartment, but couldn't find her lover. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out the window and saw a man hanging off the balcony by his fingertips! So I ran out there and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, so he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. I went back inside to find something to throw at him, but the only thing I could find was the refrigerator. I was in such a rage that I grabbed it and threw it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The strain of lifting the refrigerator was so great that I had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter thought for a moment. "Technically, you did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. Sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven!"
A few seconds later Vernon Jordan arrived. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side. Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment and stomps on my fingers. Some bushes at the bottom broke my fall. I was unable to move and in excruciating pain. Then the guy threw a refrigerator off the balcony, which killed me instantly."
St. Peter is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story.
"Sir, you definitely had a bummer day," Peter announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
A few seconds later, St. Peter is shocked to see Bill Clinton coming up to the gate. "Mr. President, please tell me what happened the day you died."
Clinton says, "Okay, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

A priest is walking downtown and passes by a hooker, who says, "50 bucks for head." Being a man of God, the priest has no idea what she is talking about and continues on his way.
That night at the convent the priest is talking about his day with a nun. He asks,
"What is head?" The nun replies, "50 bucks, just like downtown!"

A missionary goes to a deep, dark part of Africa that no white man had ever seen before. The inhabitants of the village had never met anyone outside their own tribe.
The missionary spread his message to the tribe and they accepted him. Then, nine months after his arrival, the tribal chief's wife gave birth to a blond-haired, blue-eyed baby.
The chief barged into the missionary's tent. "You give lesson to my people about religion and morality for nine month, then my wife have white baby?!? I kill you!"
"Hold on! Your tribe has never seen it before, but such things can happen in nature. They're called albinos," explained the missionary. He looked out over a field of sheep. "See that one black sheep in the flock? It's the same thing."
"Okay, okay, I make deal," replied the chief. "I don't say nothing about the baby, you don't say nothing about the sheep."

A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie is astounded. "God!" he says. "Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we'd be together in Heaven forever!"
God thinks for a minute, then replies,
"Oh yeah, but I was drunk."

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph. "Did you just call me?" he asked.  "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again."

 

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